Sexual differences between the female and male.
This article is about women’s sexuality, and how boys and men can make it easier for women to want sex, when they get tired of it. It is also about barriers female sexuality has been surrounded by, barriers that are present even today. Male sexuality has other barriers and apsects that are discussed in another post: http://www.selvuniverset.com/2018/07/03/the-sexuality-of-men-unspoken-aspects-whats-wrong-with-it/
In this present article we look into a sexual problem not often discussed in media: How some women that have endured traumas or been neglected in childhood and adolescence, choose very kind and nice men to marry. In many ways that’s a very good solution, – for her. It’s the same for him. He finds this special woman both interesting and challenging, not to mention sexy. (The rule in choice of men however, for most of these more or less traumatized or abondoned girls or women, – is the opposite. To be attracted to men that continue to treat them badly!)
But back to the somewhat more fortunate women I first mentioned. After a while her relation to her nice partner seems to get stuck on a special track. They still have very nice moments together and friendly contact agreeing on many issues in life. But she does not like to have sex with him any longer. From a psychological perspective, their marriage is now looking more like a psychologically based parental relationship, than a mature relationship between grown-ups.
Worlds apart or just exciting differences?
( For other articles by Psychological Universe on special sexual problems check: 1. “Our Sexual Universe”: http://www.selvuniverset.com/2016/07/18/from-our-sexual-universe/ 2. “He can’t get it up.” http://www.selvuniverset.com/2016/12/02/he-cant-get-it-up/)
Introduction.
As widely known, there is a difference between men’s and women’s sexuality. This is not only caused by biological differencies. It has as much to do with psychology, and with the differences in raising boys and girls in various countries, cultures and families. And it is of course linked to time and history.
Historical and cultural differences between women and men’s sexuality.
– Understanding time, attitude and behavior.
I was eight years when my mother died, and her mother was appointed by the authorities as my guardian. Like when my father told me about the sexual awakening of young men, my grandmother told me much about female sexuality.
Father telling me about my growing manhood (illustr.)
My grandmother with appearances very similar to Queen Elisabeth II, told me about how to treat a woman properly and with great respect..
That is, she spoke about how we men ought to treat a young lady. The bottom line in her message was friendship and careful romance, and not to expose ourselves to the young lady with the full force of testosterone and unbound viral energy. Having sex with her at our first opportunity, and then running home, would be like leaving her alone with great emptiness and remorse.
I remember that my grandmother also told me to be attentive, polite, listening in on what the young woman had to say, – and beyond all treat her with great respect. You could give her a hug or a kiss on the chin, but nothing more for a very, very long time. It sounded a bit dull for me, holding hands for years and kissing the chin, yeehaa! ( see the different stages in dating culture from kiss to sex: http://www.selvuniverset.com/2018/01/21/3179/)
Man, wait running at your girlfriend with only your balls!
– No pleasure for the woman.
When grandmother was about ninety years old she told me that for her and most of her friends, the sexual intercourse was rather unsatisfying. They liked indeed the romantic attention from the man in foreplay mode. But the rest of it was rather tiresome. With a man sweating and drooling over them, they often linked themselves out of it, and couldn’t quite figure out why their husbands were so keen on this part of their marriage.
“Who is this form of sex meant for really, – she wonders.”
Later, she understood through books about sexuality, that neither the women themselves nor their partners knew how to trigger the orgasmic function in the female. Besides there were deep rooted beliefs in the culture that self-stimulation was wrong, both for boys, girls and women. When however, men masturbated, it was considered a transient immaturity feature and, in turn, overlooked. For the female it was considered as directly sinful, and never spoken about.
Self-stimulation like masturbation, was somewhat overlooked,- as a transient stage in the immature man, but forbidden and shameful for girls.
– Breaking out of the era of “female innocence”.
The British movie “Hysteria”(2011) focuses on the tight cords of the female orgasm during the 19th century Victorian era.
Maggie Gyllenhaal and Hugh Dancy in the Movie Hysteria
In my own view, the film is inspired by the old psychoanalytical concept of female hysteria as a condition caused by unreleased sexual energy in women. Typical of the Victorian age of the 19th century, women in Europe and the Commonwealth, including America, were wrapped up from feet to neck with so called appropriate clothing, almost denoting she was on her way to the monastery.
Apparently impeccable, chaste and full of Christian virtues
According to the cultural and Christian idea at that time, she should neither expose herself as a sexual individual, nor ignite sexual interest in men. At least not from other men than the chosen one, pointed out either by her family or the man himself. Her own knowledge about her pelvic region was obscure, and even more was the physiology of her external genitals. Yes, she new about her vagina, as a gate to her pro- genitive uterus, but not very much more.
To get to know your anatomy is a good start. For similar mapping and photos of male genitals check: http://www.selvuniverset.com/2018/07/03/the-sexuality-of-men-unspoken-aspects-whats-wrong-with-it/
– The world’s first vibrator.
The story of the movie “Hysteria” is based on the 1880 pioneering doctor Mortimer Granville, who is sacked from various hospitals for challenging his superiors’ obsolete methods. He gets a job with the much older Dr. Dalrymple, who relieves female patients’ frustrations – or hysteria – with pelvic massages which allow orgasm under an appropriate blanket. The new handsome young doctor attracts a large female clientele and very many satisfied customers. Soon his hand suffers from exhaustion and tendonitis, after stimulating all these woman with his fingers on a daily base.
Mortimer Granville, MD, and Dr. Dalrymple’s unorthodox method.
Imaginative as he is, he starts cooperating with his friend, who is an inventor of electrical equipment. After many trials and disappointments the world’s first vibrator is invented. It turns out to be a great success in the more wealthy upper class circles of women in London
Today with my patients
In my own clinic I have several attractive women who don’t enjoy sex, and even refuses to have sex with their likewise attractive men. In some way their bodily psychology seems to resemble the aroused touching and even more the penetration, with different stages of invasion of privacy and violation of personal boundaries. Initially, they all wanted to be sexually open for their men. But their body usually reacts with a kind of allergy, protest, remorse and diffuse pain, signifying that this is not at all good for them.
Some of these women react very aggresively, to protect themselves from their partners sexual approaches.
This reaction makes their men desperate, and the women to feel guilty and hate themselves. Unfortunately, such a self-despising condition makes the situation even more aggravating, with the fear of losing their beloved partners on top of the other problems.
Being different personalities and coming from very different homes, neither of these women have had much pleasure with orgasm.
A common trait in their attitude to their bodies is insecurity, distrust and even disgust, in some of the women. Not to like or love your body from inside and out is a symptom very often related to lacking sexual desire. This will also block self-stimulation activities, and orgasmic function. It is easy to understand that a woman who has been abused may feel retraumatized when she has sex.
But none of these women have had such a history. At the same time, they may react with aversion when they meet with the strong desire of their partner. How can that be? Truth to tell, they love their men deeply. To be caressed and hugged, and holding hands is very much accepted. Even to sleep close and feel the warmth of the mans body is ok, as long he is lying still and not get sexually aroused. If that happens, she may shout stop with a hard and insulted voice, brusquely turn her back to him or leave the bed altogether.
Cuddling together without sex is ok for most of these women. But if he wants more she turns her back to him.
Generating unconsciously their basic feelings towards parents, in their men.
When I ask these men how their women make them feel in relation to sexuality, they say: I feel rejected, overseen, disqualified, stupid, shameful, not good enough, and deeply sad. When I ask these women how they feel about their parents they say: I feel rejected, overseen, disqualified, stupid, shameful, not good enough and deeply sad.
“Do you know something interesting”, I say. “That’s exactly the feeling your husband has when he wants to be close to you and have sex, and you refuse him”
These women have suffered from deep neglect in their childhood. It seems like if they have once been open to their mother’s love. Giving in to her with all their vulnerability and all their physical and psychological needs. Then she suddenly seems to have rejected the child. Something has happened in the family, a new pregnancy or a crisis of some sort. This is something that leaves the child in great pain and terror.
Unspoken sadness, feeling of rejection and compensating for neglect by being helpful, caring and nice.
Psychologically the child adapts to the situation by hiding her true self in a shell of self-sustain ability.
The deep inner yearning after bodily contact with her mother or father is barred, so is also the craving for their desiring her as the most wanted child on earth. Instead of protesting and demanding her parents back to her, she tries not to complicate the difficult family situation with her needs. She starts to blend in, conceal her problems, conceal her anxiety, trying to compensate for not feeling good enough to be loved. If the crisis in the family is prolonged and the child experiences open aggression, she feels invaded, and pushed to her limits with shame and disgust.
What has happened to these women’s self-esteem and relation to their own bodies, and to men? (illustr.)
Knowing what really happened to her in childhood is only one aspect in the remedy and healing of these psychological and physical wounds. When revealing the family history and realizing that she was not the one to blame for being rejected, it helps on a mental level. But the immature and overcompensating child within her, still hurts, because it resides like some strong echo in different tissues of her body, not accessible by only using language to promote intellectual comprehension.
These women have very often pain in the body, both in the muscles, in the neck and otherwise in the body’s digestive system.
Both the muscular, digestive and circular systems of her body might then be automatically set in danger mode by some triggering mechanisms outside her control. Even her skin and the mucous membranes of the rectum and vagina may be bothered by frequent itching and rashes. This is perhaps why many doctors think there has also been sexual abuse in her childhood. To my experience abuse is not the case here. Neglect and abandonment, for sure, but without the bodily exploitation typical of incest.
Rash, itching and infections of the skin and mucous membranes are also seen as a part of this disorder.
Her body is constantly “global high on activation”, which means she is very stressed and high strung. Her body continuously releases cortisol, adrenaline, and norepinephrine: These are the three Major stress hormones. Too much cortisol can suppress the immune system, increase blood pressure and sugar, decrease sexual desire, produce acne, and finally exhaustion.
Vulvar vestibulitis and vaginitis.
The complex conditions discribed in this article have no excact medical category or diagnosis. And as for many patients with vulvar vestibulosis, and vaginitis, they often leave the office of their medical internist or gynecologist with more questions than answers. There is a relief however, for patients with severe pain in the vagina during intercourse and touching, that these conditions with its three main symptoms, have got a diagnosis, as have the conditions of vaginitis. (check : https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vulvar_vestibulitis #Causes, and ttps://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/medicine-and-dentistry/vulvar-vestibulitis) and vaginitis with it’s various rashes and infections.)
There is no doubt an overlap here, where many of this article’s women would fall into the categories of both vulvar vestibulosis and vaginitis. As for most of the studies of these conditions the etiology or causes are uncertain. What is certain, – and that’s why Psycho- logical Universe is occupied with this issue, is that whether psychological reactions are the main cause of these condtions, or not, psychological reactions are almost bound to follow as a cause of the pain and the limitations this condition puts on these women’s lives.
Leslie A. Sadownik, MD, writes something important about this in the International Journal of Women’s Health: ” An approach to the diagnosis and management of a woman presenting with chronic vulvar pain should address the biological, psychological, and social/interpersonal factors that contribute to her illness. The gynecologist has a key role in excluding other causes for vulvar pain, screening for psychosexual and pelvic floor dysfunction, and collaborating with other health care providers to manage a woman’s pain.” https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4014358/
To do therapy on a person’s body that is afraid of closeness.
There are several approaches to this, and several stages. After a period of getting to know each other, while she’s talking about her life, I often continue with the patient lying with her clothes on, on a soft examining bench. I do not touch the patient with my hands, in the beginnig. I just ask her to shut her eyes and try following my instructions.
Those are of the easy kind, noticing herself lying there outstretched on the bench. Noticing her breath, and her toes and feet. The question might be how much contact she has with different parts of her body. Can she feel all her body from head to feet, or are there many gaps without any sensation of connectedness? One stage of psychological body training, may be to gently touch the areas being without contact with the rest of her body.
This can help her to reinstall sensational and psychological connectedness with the lost areas. When I use my hands, I never touch areas, close to the genitals. That’s the job of gynecologists and urologists or some professional specialists in female health.
I often recommend such a specialist called psychomotor geneticist, with special knowledge of the female pelvic region, genitals and sexuality. This is mainly to reestablish circulation, motility and trust in this region. We never define the aim of this approach to be able to satisfy her partner sexually. The purpose of this approach should in the first place be to be able to enjoy this area for herself. This part of psychotherapy and pelvic vaginal training might take months, even a year or two, before the area is released of its tensions and traumas. But for her female health I promise that it is worth the time and effort.
Psychomotor specialist on female issues and the pelvic region.
Many of these exercises help women to re-establish contact with their pelvic region. You can even try them yourself.
For those of you without the means for such exclusive training there are books like for example The Female Pelvis Anatomy & Exercises, by Blandine Calais-Germain, and Diastasis Recti Paperback – Feb 1 2016 by Katy Bowman (Author) For the men I will recommend:
1. “What do women really want?” https://www.google.no/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=4&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwiz6azT2trYAhWHkywKHZr8BOwQFghBMAM&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Finsight-therapy%2F201308%2Fwhat-do-women-really-want&usg=AOvVaw1XJ2C_ulZJkUreoG8HWE0p
2. “What do women want?” by Daniel Berger. https://nyti.ms/2svAzJg
The change in her conception of herself and her wonderful body.
We started this article with the difference between female and male sexuality. I will close it with the fact that many of these women, return to their husbands with much more sexual interest than before. When they feel more connected with their own body, accept it and even start loving it more and more, their way to self-stimulation is not far away.
After a time with exploring the anatomy and functions, not to mention the sensations belonging to this region, even that of orgasm, I will consider the healing process to be very near its end and primary goal. To make the woman whole again. Now it’s up to her boyfriend, partner or husband to approach her with his gentle touch and new knowledge of how the female body and especially his partner function alone and with a man.
Thanks to the women
Finally I will send a heartfelt thankyou to these women of my patients, that have taught me so much about the female body and sexuality through their psychological journey. Likewise, I will thank my grandmother for her reminding me of the differences in approach to what a woman need in relation to a partner, and what a man seems to seek without taking into account the necessary stages of closeness that usually trigger a woman’s wish to give herself away to a man. Without losing herself on the way.
Today most young people are taught sex through pornography. Unfortunately, that’s not a good enough education in the many facets of sexual life in real. Besides most porn are made by men, and therefore prejudiced to portrait sexual life in general out of some traditional concepts of male sexuality.
To all males in times of the “metoo campaign”: Spare your spear to the right moment, where both male and female are ready for it!