The Clash of The Sub-Cultures of Men and Women.

Misunderstandings in communication between men and women.

The worldwide #Me Too Campaign has created earthquakes in several layers of society. While the campaign has been going on in social media for several months, many men have lost both credibility, honor, influence and positions. Worse than the fall of these men, is it that so many women have been suffering from their harassment at work, and in various contexts among all these bosses and colleagues. Most women have been silent about it until now. Feeling of shame is just one of the problems.

“Some rotten apples in the basket, or just a rotten basket.”

The question I ask is whether “#Me too ” is about some rotten apples in the basket”, or about “the whole basket making bad fruit?” In other words, has this campaign gone viral, mostly because of some power people’s  severe deviation from the norm? Or has #Me Too  expanded worldwide because there is something fundamentally wrong with the entire culture of interaction between men and women ?

Perhaps there will always be a few who severely exploit their position of power.  By going far beyond the limit of acceptable behavior, they expose their fellow citizens of sexual exploitation. (Anthony Storr, “Sexual Deviation”) These actions should no doubt be labeled abusive and regarded as a crime, with consequences for those involved. Punishment for the abusers and help for the victims.

Misinterpretations of the situation and silent acceptance.

I have the impression however, that most cases reported are due to the misinterpretation of signals between the cultures of men and women. Adding to this, men’s and women’s lack of awareness of their own position of power in the hierarchy. This is no excuse for putting others in a very difficult situation.

When the tornados of the #Me too campaign diminish, it may function as an important step in explaining why these incidences happens so frequently. This knowledge may help us reflect on how we behave to achieve a high ranking within the culture of men. We might also become more conscious of the signals we send. Not least, how we treat a person from “the  opposite culture”, when we feel attraction. Particularly, such a conscious knowledge can reveal how the recipient of these signals, allows herself to respond. And in the end, how this response is perceived and reacted to by the one in the relationship with most power.

– An example of gross misinterpretation of situation and person.

Psychologist Paul Watzlawick refers in his communicational psychology to a situation that occurred in England during the last world war. Here,  young british ladies meet with American soldiers stationed in England. What happens between them in interaction, and the way they subsequently assess each other’s behavior, shows a rather peculiar phenomenon. How dating cultures in two countries can have very different codes for behavior at different stages of the relationship. In this case, stages lasting from the first meeting, to the first kiss, and then eventually sex.

Watzlawick found that it was possible to define 18-20 small stages in each culture, on the journey from the first acquaintance to intercourse. At each stage, there were also cultural codes of what was expected to be the next move. This was due not least to the reaction and perception of the relationship, and what could hurt the other, or possibly unfairly reject a declaration of love.

– “English girls are light on the thread, American soldiers are just looking for sex.”

After the war, American soldiers could tell that the British girls were very “easy” compared to American girls. The English girls, on the other hand, claimed that the American soldiers were overly concerned when it came to sex.

To get a grip of these misunderstandings,  Watzlawick systematized the dating sequences occurring, in light of 18-20 stages. In the English culture of dating a woman, the boy should follow her home after their meeting in a cafe, a park, or at a party. After walking her home, she should thank him for the company, and he should thank her for the evening. They should  not kiss at this first stage.

In the American culture of dating, however, the boy should both walk the girl home and give her a kiss. This he should do, without signaling anything more than satisfaction with their first meeting. Then he is supposed to leave her like a gentleman.

But for the British girl, kissing was something that would occur at a much later stage in the relationship, about stage 18 and 19 in the sequence. As she perceived him, when he kissed her, he had become instantly in love with her, and seriously wanted her. However, she found that he was very daring in his approaches.

The girl, somewhat astonished, however, did really like the young man. Therefore she altered her behavior not to reject him. This happened even though he had skipped all too many stages according to British manners.

-“She went straight to bed with him!”

Thus, she invited him in. When he on the other hand noticed this, he perceived her as being overly interested in him. For a young woman to invite a man up to her room, that was in fact stadium 19 in America. Then, as he followed her in, he realized that she might just be looking for sex, and he also left his accustomed strategy and became even more ongoing.

For this reason, they went to bed with each other all too early, according to their own country’s standards. This happened first and foremost because of misunderstandings between two different cultures, Watzlawick holds. In addition, they misinterpreted the situation, by perceiving each other both as very daring and ongoing sexually.

This occurred, in other words, because of inequalities in the two countries’ rules and stages for dating and sex. It did not happen because of lacking morality. Besides there was a war going on.

Inequalities like this are less prominent today, because of social media. But the difference in perceiving each other’s signals and means of communicating inside each country, still exists between the sexes.

Judgment and gender differences in reactions.

Men may not come as much from “Mars” as they did before, when women likewise, according to author John Craig, came from “Venus”. (“Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”, 1992) There has certainly been an approach in the gender role models. Nevertheless, cross-cultural surveys show that it is much more expected from a man to take the initiative, than from a woman.

In addition, men appear to be less harassed by sexually aggressive women, than women in the same situation with men. There are also biological differences here.  However, they appear to be wiped out on both sides by alcohol and drugs, as is the overall judgment.

Professor in psychology Fanny Duckert uses the term “hot” and “cold” judgment in connection with the brain’s two functional systems.  “The hot judgment”, is believed to be spontaneous, emotional and instinctive and linked to the lower and older parts of the brain. Here are survival-based and pleasure-oriented impulses leading the way, without much reflection.

“The cold judgment”, on the other hand, is located in the upper parts of the brain up against the forehead. Here, long-term consequences of one’s behavior are taken into consideration to Control the impulses. Research has proven that we need both forms of judgment in different types of situations.

In my opinion, most of the #MeToo campaign deals with the unfortunate breakthroughs of the hot short-term judgment, and similar breakdowns in the cold-impact-oriented variant. In addition, we have cultures where alcohol has given a license to cross boundaries. And we have cultures where men have made the rules and women have had to subdue to men’s sexual cravings, in order to move upward in the hierarchy.

The cultures on both sides of the genital barrier, has until now either, as in the the culture of men silently accepted this , or as in the culture of women silently submissed to this condition. Here we might add; “under the hash tag; # It’s just the way it is for women in the world of men.”

Blaming the “fruit” or the “basket”.

It seems nevertheless clear that since men usually have been ruling these systems, both by position and age, they must also take the major responsibility for the present collapse of this part of the male culture. #Me Too had to come, sooner or later, and heads had to roll, whether due to rotten apples or filthy baskets

But is it true that “MeToo” is about “a few rotten apples in the basket”? I will say; yes!  However, many more apples in this basket have got brown spots, because the basket has never been cleaned properly.

For that reason, it’s important that men with this new knowledge available of women’s dreadful experiences, never allow themselves to harass a lady at work, in the party organization or at the Christmas party.

Misunderstandings claified?

No one should anymore allow themselves to exploit their position of power to acquire sex, that being with girls or boys, women or men. At the same time, no woman or young man should accept such advances anymore. Thus, I think it will be difficult in the future to continue to apologize for harassment by saying: “I misunderstood the situation or the signals”. That way both “women from Venus” and “men from Mars”, are in the process of landing on the same planet in close relationships.

Fed up with SEX, or just the way men do it?

Sexual differences between the female and male.

This article is about women’s sexuality, and how boys and men can make it easier for women to want sex, when they get tired of it. It is also about barriers female sexuality has been surrounded by. In addition, we discuss how some women who have been neglected in adolescence choose men that they have developed a psychological parental relationship to, and not yet a mature relationship that also includes sex.

Worlds apart or just exciting differences?

( For other articles by Psychological Universe on special sexual problems check: 1. “Our Sexual Universe”:  http://www.selvuniverset.com/2016/07/18/from-our-sexual-universe/ 2. “He can’t get it up.” http://www.selvuniverset.com/2016/12/02/he-cant-get-it-up/)

Introduction.

As widely known, there is a difference between men’s and women’s sexuality. This is not only caused by biological differencies. It has as much to do with psychology, and with the differences in raising boys and girls in various countries, cultures and families. And it is of course linked to time and history.

Historical and cultural differences between women and men’s sexuality.

– Understanding time, attitude and behavior.

I was eight years when my mother died, and her mother was appointed by the authorities as my guardian. Like when my father told me about the sexual awakening of young men, my grandmother told me much about female sexuality.

Father telling me about my growing manhood (illustr.)

My grandmother with appearances very similar to Queen Elisabeth II, told me about how to treat a woman properly and with great respect..

That is, she spoke about how we men ought to treat a young lady. The bottom line in her message was friendship and careful romance, and not to expose ourselves to the young lady with the full force of testosterone and unbound viral energy. Having sex with her at our first opportunity, and then running home, would be like leaving her alone with great emptiness and remorse.

I remember that my grandmother also told me to be attentive, polite, listening in on what the young woman had to say, – and beyond all treat  her with great respect. You could give her a hug or a kiss on the chin, but nothing more for a very, very long time. It sounded a bit dull for me, holding hands for years and kissing the chin, yeehaa!

Man, wait running at your girlfriend  with only your balls!

– No pleasure for the woman.

When grandmother was about ninety years old she told me that for her and most of her friends, the sexual intercourse was rather unsatisfying. They liked indeed the romantic attention from the man in foreplay mode. But the rest of it was rather tiresome. With a man sweating and drooling over them, they often linked themselves out of it, and couldn’t quite figure out why their husbands were so keen on this part of their marriage.

“Who is this form of sex meant for really, – she wonders.”

Later, she understood through books about sexuality, that neither the women themselves nor their partners knew how to trigger the orgasmic function in the female. Besides there were deep rooted beliefs in the culture that self-stimulation was wrong, both for boys, girls and women. When however, men masturbated, it was considered  a transient immaturity feature and, in turn, overlooked. For the female it was considered as directly sinful, and never spoken about.

 

Self-stimulation like masturbation, was somewhat overlooked,- as a transient stage in the immature man, but forbidden and shameful for girls.

 

– Breaking out of the era of “female innocence”.

The British movie “Hysteria”(2011) focuses on the tight cords of the female orgasm during the 19th century Victorian era.

       Maggie Gyllenhaal and Hugh Dancy in the Movie Hysteria

In my own view, the film is inspired by the old psychoanalytical concept of female hysteria as a condition caused by unreleased sexual energy in women. Typical of the Victorian age of the 19th century, women in Europe and the Commonwealth, including America, were wrapped up from feet to neck with so called appropriate clothing, almost denoting she was on her way to the monastery.

Apparently impeccable, chaste and full of Christian virtues

According to the cultural and Christian idea at that time, she should neither expose herself as a sexual individual, nor ignite sexual interest in men. At least not from other men than the chosen one, pointed out either by her family or the man himself. Her own knowledge about her pelvic region was obscure, and even more was the physiology of her external genitals. Yes, she new about her vagina, as a gate to her pro- genitive uterus, but not very much more.

 

To get to know your anatomy is a good start.

 – The world’s first vibrator.

 

The story of the movie “Hysteria” is based on the 1880 pioneering doctor Mortimer Granville, who is sacked from various hospitals for challenging his superiors’ obsolete methods. He gets a job with the much older Dr. Dalrymple, who relieves female patients’ frustrations – or hysteria – with pelvic massages which allow orgasm under an appropriate blanket. The new handsome young doctor attracts a large female clientele and very many satisfied customers. Soon his hand suffers from exhaustion and tendonitis, after stimulating all these woman with his fingers on a daily base.

Imaginative as he is, he starts cooperating with his friend, who is an inventor of electrical equipment. After many trials and disappointments the world’s first vibrator is invented. It turns out to be a great success in the more wealthy upper class circles of women in London

Today with my patients

In my own clinic I have several attractive women who don’t enjoy sex, and even refuses to have sex with their likewise attractive men. In some way their bodily psychology seems to resemble the aroused touching and even more the penetration, with different stages of invasion of privacy and violation of personal boundaries. Initially, they all wanted to be sexually open for their men. But their body usually reacts with a kind of allergy, protest, remorse and diffuse pain, signifying that this is not at all good for them.

Some of these women react very aggresively, to protect themselves from their partners sexual approaches.

This reaction makes their men desperate, and the women to feel guilty and hate themselves. Unfortunately, such a self-despising condition makes the situation even more aggravating, with the fear of losing their beloved partners on top of the other problems.

Being different personalities and coming from very different homes, neither of these women have had much pleasure with orgasm.

A common trait in their attitude to their bodies is insecurity, distrust and even disgust, in some of the women. Not to like or love your body from inside and out is a symptom very often related to lacking sexual desire. This will also block self-stimulation activities, and orgasmic function. It is easy to understand that a woman who has been abused may feel retraumatized when she has sex.

But none of these women have had such a history. At the same time, they may react with aversion when they meet with the strong desire of their partner. How can that be? Truth to tell, they love their men deeply. To be caressed and hugged, and holding hands is very much accepted. Even to sleep close and feel the warmth of the mans body is ok, as long he is lying still and not get sexually aroused. If that happens, she may shout stop with a hard and insulted voice, brusquely turn her back to him or leave the bed altogether.

Cuddling together without sex is ok for most of these women. But if he wants more she turns her back to him.

Generating unconsciously their basic feelings towards parents, in their men. 

When I ask these men how their women make them feel in relation to sexuality, they say: I feel rejected, overseen, disqualified, stupid, shameful, not good enough, and deeply sad. When I ask these women how they feel about their parents they say: I feel rejected, overseen, disqualified, stupid, shameful, not good enough and deeply sad.

“Do you know something interesting”, I say. “That’s exactly the feeling your husband has when he wants to be close to you and have sex, and you refuse him”

These women have suffered from deep neglect in their childhood. It seems like if they have once been open to their mother’s love. Giving in to her with all their vulnerability and all their physical and psychological needs. Then she suddenly seems to have rejected the child. Something has happened in the family, a new pregnancy or a crisis of some sort. This is something that leaves the child in great pain and terror.

Unspoken sadness, feeling of rejection and compensating for neglect by being helpful, caring and nice.

Psychologically the child adapts to the situation by hiding her true self in a shell of self-sustain ability.

The deep inner yearning after bodily contact with her mother or father is barred, so is also the craving for their desiring her as the most wanted child on earth.  Instead of protesting and demanding her parents back to her, she tries not to complicate the difficult family situation with her needs. She starts to blend in, conceal her problems, conceal her anxiety, trying to compensate for not feeling good enough to be loved. If the crisis in the family is prolonged and the child experiences open aggression, she feels invaded, and pushed to her limits with shame and disgust.

What has happened to these women’s self-esteem and relation to their own bodies, and to men? (illustr.)

Knowing what really happened to her in childhood is only one aspect in the remedy and healing of these psychological and physical wounds. When revealing the family history and realizing that she was not the one to blame for being rejected, it helps on a mental level. But the immature and overcompensating child within her, still hurts, because it resides like some strong echo in different tissues of her body, not accessible by only using language to promote intellectual comprehension.

These women have very often pain in the body, both in the muscles, in the neck and otherwise in the body’s digestive system.

Both the muscular, digestive and circular systems of her body might then be automatically set in danger mode by some triggering mechanisms outside her control. Even her skin and the mucous membranes of the rectum and vagina may be bothered by frequent itching and rashes. This is perhaps why many doctors think there has also been sexual abuse in her childhood. To my experience abuse is not the case here. Neglect and abandonment, for sure, but without the bodily exploitation typical of incest.

Rash, itching and infections of the skin and mucous membranes are also seen as a part of this disorder.

Her body is constantly “global high on activation”, which means she is very stressed and high strung. Her body continuously releases cortisol, adrenaline, and norepinephrine: These are the three Major stress hormones. Too much cortisol can suppress the immune system, increase blood pressure and sugar, decrease sexual desire, produce acne, and finally exhaustion.

To do therapy on a person’s body that is afraid of closeness.

There are several approaches to this, and several stages. After a period of getting to know each other, while she’s talking about her life, I often continue with the patient lying with her clothes on, on a soft examining bench. I do not touch the patient with my hands, in the beginnig. I just ask her to shut her eyes and try following my instructions.

Those are of the easy kind, noticing herself lying there outstretched on the bench. Noticing her breath, and her toes and feet. The question might be how much contact she has with different parts of her body. Can she feel all her body from head to feet, or are there many gaps without any sensation of connectedness?  One stage of psychological body training, may be to gently touch the areas being without contact with the rest of her body.

This can help her to reinstall sensational and psychological connectedness with the lost areas. When I use my hands, I never touch areas, close to the genitals. That’s the job of gynecologists and urologists or some professional specialists in female health.

I often recommend such a specialist called psychomotor geneticist, with special knowledge of the female pelvic region, genitals and sexuality. This is mainly to reestablish circulation, motility and trust in this region. We never define the aim of this approach to be able to satisfy her partner sexually. The purpose of this approach should in the first place be to be able to enjoy this area for herself. This part of psychotherapy and pelvic vaginal training might take months, even a year or two, before the area is released of its tensions and traumas. But for her female health I promise that it is worth the time and effort.

        

Psychomotor specialist on female issues and the pelvic region.

Many of these exercises help women to re-establish contact with their pelvic region. You can even try them yourself.

For those of you without the means for such exclusive training there are books like for example The Female Pelvis Anatomy & Exercises, by Blandine Calais-Germain, and Diastasis Recti Paperback – Feb 1 2016 by Katy Bowman (Author) For the men I will recommend:

1. What do women really want?” https://www.google.no/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=4&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwiz6azT2trYAhWHkywKHZr8BOwQFghBMAM&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Finsight-therapy%2F201308%2Fwhat-do-women-really-want&usg=AOvVaw1XJ2C_ulZJkUreoG8HWE0p                                 

2. “What do women want?” by Daniel Berger. https://nyti.ms/2svAzJg

 

The change in her conception of herself and her wonderful body.

We started this article with the difference between female and male sexuality. I will close it with the fact that many of these women, return to their husbands with much more sexual interest than before. When they feel more connected with their own body, accept it and even start loving it more and more, their way to self-stimulation is not far away.

After a time with exploring the anatomy and functions, not to mention the sensations belonging to this region, even that of orgasm, I will consider the healing process to be very near its end and primary goal. To make the woman whole again. Now it’s up to her boyfriend, partner or husband to approach her with his gentle touch and new knowledge of how the female body and especially his partner function alone and with a man.

Thanks to the women

Finally I will send a heartfelt thankyou to these women of my patients, that have taught me so much about the female body and sexuality through their psychological journey. Likewise, I will thank my grandmother for her reminding me of the differences in approach to what a woman need in relation to a partner, and what a man seems to seek without taking into account the necessary stages of closeness that usually trigger a woman’s wish to give herself away to a man. Without losing herself on the way.

 

Today most young people are taught sex through pornography. Unfortunately, that’s not a good enough education in the many facets of sexual life in real. Besides most porn are made by men, and therefore prejudiced to portrait sexual life in general out of some traditional concepts of male sexuality.

To all males in times of the “metoo campaign”:  Spare your spear to the right moment, where both male and female are ready for it!